I sit down often with the intention of writing a blog post and always end up getting distracted and walking away from it. Today I am really going to try to do the opposite. Blogging really is a way to express emotions and a way to be able to vent things in my view. I woke up this morning feeling like I wanted to run away, like literally pack a bag and move to another state, even country, just me and not tell anyone where I went. I have that tendency, I tend to run away from the things I just don't feel like dealing with no matter how much I let it build up in me. I have been running away and hiding from things for a good while now. I have been in a constant "battle" with one of my best friends for almost three months now. I think both of us know it and don't want to face it. I think both of us just put on an act of being ok with each other when we both can see things are different. I really actually hope she reads this because I don't know that people realize how seriously I take friendships and relationships. I don't have a huge group of friends, by choice. I surround myself with people that encourage me and show me they love me as much as I love them. I don't want to have a big group of friends because that means you are surrounding yourself with a bunch of people that you simply "get along with" not share a deep, intimate (weird word choice, i know) friendship with. This person is someone I consider myself to have a friendship with that goes past being just friends, we are sisters in Christ. She is one of three friends that I expect to hold me accountable in my relationship with the Lord and that I strive to hold her accountable for too. I just find myself feeling like things don't go both ways lately. I know she is struggling to find the place she wants to be in her life, and I want to be someone that helps her in that struggle. But I can only try to involve myself so much when I feel like I'm getting pushed away and being put as a lesser important part in her life. I pray every single day that we be allowed to open ourselves up to each other and be able to grow from this rather than lose a friendship. I feel tears well up in my eyes every time I pray because I'm not convinced it's going to help. I need to allow myself to put that trust in God that he will guide our friendship in the way it's meant to go. I pray that she never allow herself to get so wrapped up in a guy that she loses the people that have been here for her longer. I pray that her heart doesn't get broken and then she is lost because she's pushed other people away. I pray that she desires the same friendship that I am longing for.
So yes, I may continue running and hiding. But I am going to try to bring the people along with me that I can't lose. So why is this title Uganda? Because that's where I want to run to and hide the rest of my life. Because that's where my heart is wrapped up at, not having even ever been there before. Because I expect to experience and feel the most love I will ever feel in my life the month I am there, from the people and from God. Not stress about the petty things that go on in a college house, but stress about and love the people that have nothing and wouldn't want their lives any different because they are surrounded by the people they love. That's why I run and hide, because I don't want to let myself see all the hurt in the world while being selfish about the hurt I feel.
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